Welcome to the ‘Sarcastic Post of the Month’. Living a healthy lifestyle helps to achieve good health and happiness but, it cannot guarantee it.
Still, leading an unhealthy lifestyle definitely increases the risk of poor health and severe disease.
Here are things everyone can do to maximally increase their chances of developing Type 2 Diabetes.
25 Sure Ways to Develop Type 2 Diabetes
1. Never eat a salad for lunch.
You’re not a goat.
2. If you do make the mistake of getting a salad, add copious amounts of mayonnaise.
Life is short.
3. Binge eat sweets, ice cream or gulp down pure sugar when you’re sad.
You deserve it.
4. Don’t disappoint your colleagues by declining their treat.
No one should feel bad for handing out sweets. Eat everything you can get your hands on. If it’s 5 colleagues birthday that week, that means you’ll be eating 5 cakes. Make sure to keep everyone happy, and take seconds if you notice they’ve really made an effort.
5. Never exercise.
You might kick start your metabolism and lose weight, and then you’d almost never be able to get diabetes!
6. Don’t let peer pressure force you into exercising.
Your friends might be doing it, your parents might be recommending it, but whatever you do, don’t exercise. You do you, and no one can make you do what you don’t want!
7. If you do make the mistake of exercising, think of a better excuse to get out of it next time.
Be creative, otherwise you might never get diabetes.
8. Don’t eat vegetables.
Especially green leafy ones are known for being very healthy and extremely low in sugar.
9. Remember that food is your best and only friend.
At midnight, or an early morning hour, that piece of cold pizza or a microwave meal will be waiting for you in the fridge. Pass the mayo and salt. Top off with more sauce.
10. Drink soda uncontrollably.
Controlling your intake of soda would be just evil. Diet coke is for pussies. Water is for boring people.
11. Never, ever use organic virgin olive oil.
It’s too healthy, have you not heard of the Mediterranean diet, hello?
12. Don’t consume cinnamon.
It lowers blood sugar level peaks and might prevent you from developing diabetes!
13. If you want to eat something healthy, don’t.
Obviously.
14. If you want to eat something healthy, and don’t manage step 13, try eating something ‘light’ instead.
Artificial flavors and empty calories rule, you’ll need them on your way to an unhealthy body!
15. Whatever you do, don’t get off the couch.
Ask your housemate to pass the chips. Get a big mug of your favorite soda spiked with alcohol. You might have to get up to pee at some point, but use a bottle instead. Or install the TV in the toilet.
16. Never eat dark chocolate.
It might satiate you after just a few bits and then you’d never eat enough sugar to get diabetes. Eat white or milk chocolate, on a daily basis, and make sure it doesn’t contain any healthy nuts or cinnamon (see 12). It should contain only unhealthy additions such as sugar granules or biscuits.
17. Never, ever, take the stairs.
We live in a developed country. Use the elevator, you neanderthal.
18. Don’t take on a hobby.
Nothing should distract you from eating.
19. Your favorite thing to make for dinner should be making a restaurant reservation.
Cooking healthy stuff at home is for crazy vegans who are too controlling of what they eat and don’t dare to be seen in public.
20. Ignore your doctor’s advice.
What does he know anyway?
21. Drink cocktails as often as possible.
They are full of sugar and will increase your chances of developing diabetes if drank on a regular basis!
22. Accept constipation as a way of life.
Eating fibers (by eating veggies and fruits) would mean you would decrease your chances of diabetes. Also, fibers work against high blood sugar spikes. Boo.
23. Love concealers, even if you’re a dude.
With all the sugar you want to be eating to increase your chances of diabetes, your skin will probably be irritated. Don’t deal with the underlying problem and focus on permanent solutions. Instead, use the right concealer, so you can cover up your skin problems nicely, and keep on irritating your body from within!
24. Don’t blame your genes.
If no one in your family has diabetes, don’t think you can’t still make your dream come true. Eat twice as much as they do just to make sure to get to your goal!
25. Everyone deserves love and care, everyone except you.
Don’t take care of yourself. Don’t pamper yourself with healthy foods. Also, you might want to exercise, find a hobby you love, educate yourself about food, speak to your doctor, listen to your loved ones and encourage yourself to make healthy choices. But don’t, because then you could almost never get diabetes. So, that really doesn’t sound like a good idea.
That was that. I hope we’ve all had some laughs, obviously my opinion is approximately the exact opposite of the one listed above.
